The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition


Rule 001	»	Once you have their money, you never give it back.
Rule 002	»	The best deal is the one that brings the most profit.
Rule 003	»	Never spend more for an acquisition than you have to.
Rule 004	»	A woman wearing clothes is like a man in the kitchen.
Rule 005	»	If you can't break a contract, bend it.
Rule 006	»	Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.
Rule 007	»	Keep your ears open.
Rule 008	»	Small print leads to large risk.
Rule 009	»	Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.
Rule 010	»	Greed is eternal.
Rule 011	»	Even if it's free, you can always buy it cheaper.
Rule 012	»	Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
Rule 013	»	Anything worth doing is worth doing twice.
Rule 014	»	Keep your family close, keep your Latinum closer.
Rule 015	»	Acting stupid is often smart.
Rule 016	»	A deal is a deal. (until a better one comes along).
Rule 017	»	A contract is a contract is a contract - but only between Ferengi.
Rule 018	»	A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.
Rule 019	»	Satisfaction is not guaranteed.
Rule 020	»	Only give money to people you know you can steal from.
Rule 021	»	Never place friendship before profit.
Rule 022	»	A wise man can hear profit in the wind.
Rule 024	»	Latinum can't buy happiness, but you can sure have a blast renting it.
Rule 025	»	There's always a way out.
Rule 026	»	As the customers go, so goes the wise profiteer.
Rule 027	»	There's nothing more dangerous than an honest businessman.
Rule 028	»	Whisper your way to success.
Rule 029	»	What's in it for me?
Rule 030	»	Talk is cheap; synthehol costs money.
Rule 031	»	Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother. (insult something he cares about, instead).
Rule 032	»	Be careful what you sell. It may do exactly what the customer expects.
Rule 033	»	It never hurts to suck up to the boss.
Rule 034	»	War is good for business.
Rule 035	»	Peace is good for business.
Rule 036	»	Too many Ferengi can't laugh at themselves anymore.
Rule 037	»	If it's free, take it and worry about hidden costs later.
Rule 039	»	Friendship is temporary; profit is forever.
Rule 040	»	She can touch your lobes, but never your Latinum.
Rule 041	»	Profit is its own reward.
Rule 042	»	What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine too.
Rule 043	»	Caressing an ear is often more forceful than pointing a weapon.
Rule 044	»	Never confuse wisdom with luck.
Rule 045	»	Ambition knows no family.
Rule 046	»	Make your shop easy to find.
Rule 047	»	Don't trust a man wearing a better suit than your own.
Rule 048	»	The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.
Rule 049	»	Everything is worth something to somebody.
Rule 050	»	Gratitude can bring on generosity.
Rule 051	»	Reward anyone who adds to your profits so they will continue to do so.
Rule 052	»	Never ask when you can take.
Rule 057	»	Good customers are as rare as Latinum, Treasure them.
Rule 058	»	There is no substitute for success.
Rule 059	»	Free advice is seldom cheap.
Rule 060	»	Keep your lies consistent.
Rule 061	»	Never buy what can be stolen.
Rule 062	»	The riskier the road, the greater the profit.
Rule 065	»	Win or lose, there's always Huyperian beetle snuff.
Rule 068	»	Ear stroking will get you anything.
Rule 069	»	Ferengi are not responsible for the stupidity of other races.
Rule 070	»	Get the money first, then let the buyers worry about collecting the merchandise.
Rule 071	»	There's a customer born every minute.
Rule 072	»	Never trust your customers.
Rule 073	»	If it gets you profit, sell your own mother.
Rule 075	»	Home is where the heart is, but the stars are made of Latinum.
Rule 076	»	Every once in a while, declare peace. "It confuses the hell out of your enemies".
Rule 077	»	It's better to swallow your pride than to lose your profit.
Rule 078	»	When the going gets tough, the tough change the Rules.
Rule 079	»	Beware of the Vulcan greed for knowledge.
Rule 082	»	The flimsier the product, the higher the price.
Rule 084	»	A friend is not a friend if he asks for a discount.
Rule 085	»	Never let the competition know what you're thinking.
Rule 087	»	A friend in need means three times the profit.
Rule 089	»	Ask not what your profits can do for you, ask what you can do for your profits.
Rule 092	»	There are many paths to profit.
Rule 093	»	Act without delay! The sharp knife cuts quickly.
Rule 094	»	Females and finances don't mix.
Rule 095	»	Expand or die.
Rule 096	»	For every Rule, there is an equal and opposite Rule, (except when there's not).
Rule 097	»	Enough... is never enough.
Rule 098	»	Every man has his price.
Rule 099	»	Trust is the biggest liability of all.
Rule 100	»	If they take your first offer, you either asked too little or offered too much.
Rule 101	»	The only value of a collectible is what you can get somebody else to pay for it.
Rule 102	»	Nature decays, but Latinum lasts forever.
Rule 103	»	Sleep can interfere with...
Rule 104	»	Faith moves mountains... (of inventory).
Rule 105	»	Don't trust anyone who trusts you.
Rule 106	»	There is no honor in poverty.
Rule 107	»	A warranty is valid only if they can find you.
Rule 109	»	Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack.
Rule 111	»	Treat people in your debt like family, exploit them [ruthlessly].
Rule 112	»	Never have sex with the boss' sister.
Rule 113	»	Always have sex with the boss.
Rule 115	»	The best contract always has a lot of fine print.
Rule 116	»	There's always a catch.
Rule 117	»	Everything is for sale, including friendship.
Rule 119	»	Never judge a customer by the size of his wallet, (...sometimes, good things come in small packages).
Rule 121	»	Everything is for sale, including friendship.
Rule 123	»	Even a blind man can recognize the glow of Latinum.
Rule 125	»	You can't make a deal if you're dead.
Rule 126	»	Count it.
Rule 127	»	Stay neutral in conflict so that you can sell supplies to both sides.
Rule 135	»	Never trust a beneficiary.
Rule 139	»	Wives serve, brothers inherit.
Rule 141	»	Only fools pay retail.
Rule 142	»	There's no such thing as an unfair advantage.
Rule 143	»	Risk is part of the game... play it for all it's worth.
Rule 144	»	There's nothing wrong with charity...as long as it winds up in your pocket.
Rule 146	»	Necessity, n. The mother of invention. Profit is the father.
Rule 152	»	A lie is a way to tell the truth to someone who doesn't know.
Rule 153	»	Sell the sizzle, not the steak.
Rule 162	»	Even in the worst of times, someone turns a profit.
Rule 168	»	Whisper your way to success.
Rule 169	»	Competition and fair play are mutually exclusive.
Rule 171	»	Blood is thicker than water, and Latinum is thicker than both.
Rule 172	»	Chances aren't what they used to be.
Rule 177	»	Know your enemies... but do business with them always.
Rule 181	»	Not even dishonesty can tarnish the shine of profit.
Rule 188	»	A fool and his money is the best customer.
Rule 189	»	Let others keep their reputation. You keep their money.
Rule 190	»	Hear all, trust nothing.
Rule 191	»	A Ferengi waits to bid until his opponents have exhausted themselves.
Rule 192	»	Never cheat a Klingon... unless you're sure you can get away with it.
Rule 194	»	It's always good business to know about new customers before they walk in your door.
Rule 200	»	If you're going to have to endure, make yourself comfortable.
Rule 202	»	The justification of profit is profit.
Rule 203	»	New customers are like razor-backed Gree worms... They can be succulent, but sometimes they bite back!
Rule 204	»	It takes a Ferengi to cheat a Ferengi.
Rule 208	»	Sometimes the only thing more dangerous than a question is an answer.
Rule 211	»	Employees are the rungs on the ladder of success... don't hesitate to step on them.
Rule 212	»	Never give away for free what can be sold.
Rule 214	»	Never begin a business negotiation on an empty stomach.
Rule 216	»	Never gamble with an empath.
Rule 217	»	You can't free a fish from water.
Rule 218	»	Always know what you're buying
Rule 219	»	Possession is 11/10 of the law.
Rule 223	»	Beware the man who doesn't make time for oo-mox.
Rule 229	»	Latinum lasts longer than lust.
Rule 231	»	There's a sucker born every minute; be sure you're the first to find each one.
Rule 236	»	You can't buy fate.
Rule 239	»	Never be afraid to mislabel a product.
Rule 241	»	Never trust a hardworking employee.
Rule 242	»	More is good... all is better.
Rule 253	»	Synthehol is the lubricant of choice for a customer's stuck purse.
Rule 255	»	A wife is a luxury... a smart accountant, a necessity.
Rule 256	»	Accountants do not play the game; they only keep the score.
Rule 260	»	Life's not fair. How else would you turn a profit?
Rule 261	»	A wealthy man can afford anything except a conscience.
Rule 262	»	A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Rule 263	»	Never allow doubt to tarnish your lust for Latinum.
Rule 265	»	The customer is always right, (...until you get their cash).
Rule 266	»	When in doubt, lie.
Rule 267	»	If you believe it, they believe it.
Rule 270	»	In business deals, a disruptor can be almost as important as a calculator.
Rule 277	»	Anything worth fighting for is worth hiding from.
Rule 284	»	Deep down, everyone's a Ferengi.
Rule 285	»	No good deed ever goes unpunished.
Rule 286	»	When Morn leaves, it's all over. (Quark made this rule up)
Rule 299	»	Whenever you exploit someone, it never hurts to thank them. That way, it's easier to exploit them the next time. (Neelix made this rule up)

The Unwritten Rule	»	When no appropriate Rule applies, make one up!


Rule 001	»	If they want their money back, give it to them.
Rule 010	»	Greed is dead.
Rule 021	»	Never place profit before friendship.
Rule 022	»	Latinum tarnishes, but family is forever.
Rule 023	»	Money can never replace dignity.
Rule 285	»	A good deed is its own reward.